Let them see You In me...

I think sometimes, God uses song writers, specifically for me.  The title of this page, is simply as it says... "Let them see You in me" by JJ Weeks Band.

I am glad they wrote this (for me:)  -

 

I have been told often that folks are uplifted by talking with me.  For that I am eternally grateful.  A couple months ago, I had the immense privilege of being in a hospital room with a woman.  Her name is Kim.  I was in for a total hysterectomy. The surgery was for adenomyosis.  The surgery had no complications and I am fine.  But the woman... God used me to speak truth to her, remind her who she is and who HE is.  He allowed me to lay hands on her and pray over her.  The woman is sad, with reason.  Her body was never able to carry a child and she found a woman to carry a baby for them. The surrogate tried to commit suicide just before giving birth.  She was unsuccessful, however, she killed their son.  My room mate, was so sad, that over the course of just a few years, she gained 200 pounds.

She had a myriad of health issues and I pray that she felt God through me and felt hope.

 

It's amazing sometimes, isn't it?  Our time frame... our plans... our dreams.  The best laid plans, still have to pass through the hands of God.  I think I make Him laugh sometimes, or if nothing else, frustrated.  Last April I had a lumber laminectomy.  It was eight weeks before a 300 mile, 3 day bike ride.  I gave myself a couple weeks to prepare and even though I was using narcotic pain meds and a tens unit all the time to help with pain management, I still rode.  I had invited a darling girlfriend and my husband to bike it with me this year, and I was not about to bail on them.  We had awful weather as we biked from Traverse City to Brooklyn Michigan for the Make a Wish ride.  I knew I was not well, but I was convinced I could make it mind over matter.  I thought I would bike 50 miles a day, instead of 100 per day.  I am rather strong willed at times and pushed myself to do the full 300.

 

Good Lord.  I hurt.  We finished, but wow - I continued to use narcotics to control pain through out the summer and selfishly biked another 1700 miles, in an attempt to show myself that I wasn't really hurt. Well, I saw my neurosurgeon in October of last year, when  I could no longer handle the pain with Vicoden.  He prescribed more meds, this time Percocet and I stopped cycling.  It's been since October that I have been on my precious rode bike, Joy.  She misses me as much as I miss her.  I miss cycling in the Amish country up north.  I miss grabbing my bike and going for a mental break near home.  I miss pushing myself and treating myself to a Snickers bar, because I just biked 50 miles.

 

But alas, I know why.  Even though the hysterectomy went well.  (read: I banked on removing my girly parts as an end to my chronic back, and leg pain) The pain actually increased shortly afterwards.  Like bad.  Pain that takes your breath away while I am speaking to a friend, standing in line at the market, or putting make up on.  Crap.  I saw my neuro again, after I realized that my occasional foot drop, was not just me missing the sidewalk raised up.  I realized I was dropping my foot more often than I'd like to admit and my sweet doc and I agreed, more tests needed to be run.  We started off with your basic x rays and then MRI with contrast.  Well, yay for clear answers.  The x rays showed what the MRI detailed.  I have spondylolithesis.  Basically, my vertebra bopped out of place and bad things happen.

 

Okay... it is what it is.  And without a fusion, I am not going to get better.  So, alas... my blog, that I thought would be a precursor to a book, now includes yet, another surgery story.  At some point, you must question either my sanity or God's purpose (or both!).

 

Next week Weds., I head back to the hospital, where I may actually have a wing named after me or atleast a gold bed frame, where I will have L4 - S1 fused together.   Doc is using my hip bone and either cadaver bone or synthetic to supplement to make two new discs and help the fusion take hold on the outside of the hardware.  I am not going to detail the surgery... it's easily something to find on google, if you care.  Bottom line, I will hang out in the hospital for a few days and come home and.. drum roll please... REST!  Ta Da!  A good friend of mine, suggested I actually take a sabbatical.  I believe that was a word from The Lord, truly.  I need to rest.  Rest in Him.  Rest my body and my mind.  If I am going to be and do all that The Lord has placed on my heart, then yes, I need to rest and prepare for the next thing.  

 

This year, my oldest son is Junior in High School, and my younger son is a Sophomore.  Both have many lacrosse games, orchestra concerts and events that I simply do not want to miss.  I do not want to watch anything that these precious years hold - through the lens of pain medicine.  So I will obey.  I will rest, heal and prepare.  My son will be playing with our HS orchestra in Carnegie Hall next March.  I am the president of the parent association as well as the camp director.  I lead a bible study with the best group of women, anyone could ask for and I don't wanna miss a thing.

 

In order for me to be present, I realize - finally - that a break is needed.  In my down time, I will continue my studies to become a Holistic Health Coach.  My first class went well.  

 

Obedience.  It's a funny thing.  My first thought is dog obedience.  We have adachshunds and we train them for their own good.  We instruct them and punish them for their own good, not to be snarky dog owners.  It is for their good.  DUH.  God is asking for my full obedience, so that, He can use me according to His good and perfect will.  I accept this.  Not easily, but I do accept it.  His will, His thoughts and His plans are higher than mine.  He desires to heal me in the physical sense, but my heart is of critical importance.  I know that I still have baggage filled areas that need to be replaced with truth.  My identity is in Him.  Or is it?  I vascillate between what God says is true of me and what I say is true to me.  The world lies to me and to you... It really is a daily choice to choose truth, over the nagging voice of our enemy.  But the truth is - I am a friend of God.  He speaks to me.  He loves me enough to have sent Jesus to die for me and pay for my sins.  He thinks of me and He leads me into green pastures and He restores my soul.... if I let Him.  

 

So, I am going to the place that David spoke of in Psalm 23.  To be cared for.  To rest and to be annointed with His oil - in front of my enemies and yet, my cup will runneth over.  There's beauty all around me.  

 

You are worthy too. If somehow you found this blog - then, I bless you in the saving name of Jesus Christ.  Make an investment in yourself and draw near to God.  Rest a while with me in His peace.  He is faithful.

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