I will admit it out loud now. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have known this for a while and yet, every single day - I think I am going to magically be better. To say that I am not sure what body I will wake up to each day, is not an understatement. It is simply a fact.
I have good days. I have really crappy days. I can go to bed feeling amazing and think of all the things I am going to get accomplished the next day and then wake up (like I did today) and want to just sleep the day away. I want to sleep because I am exhausted. I want to sleep because my eyes do not burn when they are closed and I want to sleep because I can forget about how sad I really can get become when I don't feel well.
I get jealous at what others can do. I am angry because of the food I can't eat. I get frustrated when our family is deciding where to go for dinner, because I can't eat the majority of what others can. I get scared because of the long term effects of the Enbrel - Methotrexate - prednisone cocktail that I take.
I love life. I love staying busy. I love helping. I love(d) cooking and yes, cleaning. I love to cycle, I love to do hot yoga, pilates, walk... And I simply HATE it when I can't do these things.
Yes... I have changed my diet. That began years ago with the diagnosis of Celiac disease. Now, through my study of nutrition, I realize how much gut health is related to our immune system. I realize that food helps or hurts. I realize that "quick healing" is a fantasy, not a fact. I realize that I need more sleep than my family. I need drugs to help me function everyday. I need to give myself grace - the kind of grace I would extend to my bff. I need to rely on God and what HE can do and not what I can or can not do. He has allowed me to slow down with this diagnosis for a greater purpose than I realize most days. Perhaps it is so that I can teach my children the importance of an alkaline diet rather than the SAD that they enjoy so much. Because of this disease, my two sons eat more leafy greens than I did at their age and I am grateful for this.
I am just in a mood today. Cross between gratefulness and frustration. It's weird. But, hey... We all have things to bear, right? The Apostle Paul asked God to remove the "thorn from his flesh" on three separate occasions. In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, he describes his conversation and the gentle reflection ".... In order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me" .... The Lord replied... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore, I will boast more gladly in my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.... For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I guess I needed to vent. More importantly though, I needed to write this out, so that I do not marinate on what makes me sad, angry or frustrated. I needed to confess these emotions before they turn into something vengeful or take root. I need to look to the One who is trustworthy and faithful to finish what He has begun in me. I am striving for full restoration, as Paul instructs... and to love others. So that's what I can do well, even if I feel like crap. I can show Christ's love to other people.