Here's my broken hallelujah

Have you ever felt like you are on a ride aboard the crazy train?  Have you found yourself searching for answers?  Good! Keep reading.

"I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah

With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
‘Cause You've been here from the very start

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know You're making beauty from these ashes"


These are the lyrics to a beautiful song, by the band, The Afters.  It's simply called, "broken hallelujah".  Many things that happen in life can leave us questioning our faith.  God has brought me to a place of humbleness again and again.  I don't believe it's out of punishment or testing my faith.  I believe He finds me worthy. I believe the words that He says over me.  That I am His temple. I am God's workmanship.  I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.  


I sit here today, with yet another upcoming surgery on the calendar.  It's hard to type this, but it will be the 8th surgery in 3 1/2 years. It's been a long journey, but living with chronic pain is as hard a task anything I've known in my adult life.


When I was 20 years younger, I had "belly issues". It never dawned on me that it was food related.  Years kept rolling along and different ailments started presenting themself and my husband and I dealt with them accordingly.  Ulcers in my gut; almost losing my cornea because of a freak ailment; hypoglycemia; celiac diagnosis; migraines; seizures; broken bones; torn tendons; to the more recent issue of a broken neck; lumbar spine surgery; gallbladder removal; appendectomy... to bizarre lower back pain and shockingly weird thigh pain.  This month it was Adenomyosis.  Apparently, this is when the uterus develops large benign cysts and bad things happen.  We believe that the reason for chronic lower back pain and thigh pain is because these cysts are on nerves in my pelvis.  


"Knowledge is power".  Okay, it is what it is and I am having a hysterectomy.  Are all of these issues related?  I think so, yes.  To some degree.   I asked my gynecologist to use me as a study case, because so much is (in my honest opinion) truly related to food.  People didn't have such crazy food allergies 30 years ago.  Things have changed and not only are we becoming an overweight society, we are getting sicker as a whole as well.  I am studying much about nutrition, food processing, and even started juicing.  I juice 2-3 times a day.  Drinking 80% vegetables and 20% fruit.  I am sleeping better, my skin looks beautiful and noticably less shiny.  My afternoon energy is higher than it has been in years.  I am reducing my caffeine by easily 50% and eating much less red meat.  I have always been a happy carnivore.  We purchase pork and beef from local farmers that believe in grass fed (some grain) and no antibiotics. I have always been a healthy eater.  Healthy in what I eat and prepare for my family.  However, according to the world standard of healthy - I believe food itself was making me sick. Food allergies have literally robbed my body of important nutrients and left my body unable to fight off a myriad of issues!


I am dialing into this temple (my body) that I have and treating it with respect.  I fear that for too many years, I took my body for granted and asked it to produce crazy great results with inadequate fueling.  I know now, how to fuel my body better, no matter what challenge comes my way.  I no longer look for pills or quick fixes or short cuts to give me results.  I feel like I am replused by the media's attempt to get me to despise my aging body, instead of embracing it.  I am not afraid of the aging process.  My sun spots reveal many days on a kayak or in our boat or chilling outside with a friend under the sunshine.  My wrinkles make me look wise.  And my hands are aging, but one day, they will hold future grandchildren and I look forward to that day.  (not rushing mind you..).


I started this post by asking - do you ever feel like you're going bonkers or riding on the crazy train?  If you belong to Christ - you are not of this world, and therefore your answer should be yes.  This world is not our home and the world doesn't play by fair rules.  The enemy of our soul has an agenda.  Jesus explained that the enemy comes only to "kill, steal, and destroy".  The world is his play ground and he uses every method possible to get people to think bad thoughts, act on bad thoughts, and to live in a perpetual state of distress.  Living that way causes people to make poor choices; to hurt the people around them; to spend money they do not have; to seek quick fixes for problems and to make sure they always take care of numero uno. This way of living leads to death.


I have tried playing by the world's rules while walking with Jesus.  It doesn't work. Period.  I am a work in progress and I understand that if I feel discontent, than I need to take it to God and ask what my real issue is.  There's always a root to how I'm feeling.  Food is not the answer for me.  For most of my life, I have used food to answer sadness or loneliness.  I have used food to reward myself and as a celebratory partner.  That Tracy is slowly fading away.  As God continues to lead me on the paths of righteousness for His name sake, I do not fear another surgery.  I do not fear growing older or the uncertainty of this world.  I know where I belong and to whom I belong.  


No more trips on the crazy train. I don't recommend my path to too many people, but I do pray that whatever you allow God to do with you and through you, that you understand that He loves us too much to allow us to stay on the wrong path.  I may never meet you this side of heaven, but I pray that you are looking to God for strength.  Find a good church with biblically sound teaching.  Open yourself up to good friends who will walk this journey with you and spend time with The Lord.  You won't ever regret it.  

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